Friday, July 04, 2008

My Name is Fish Curry

Psst..come closer, let me tell you my story. Closer, so that nobody can overhear.
I am Fish Curry. Before I begin my story, let me tell you that I am Master Philip's favourite. I occupy the pride of the place on his dinner table. Not surprisingly, Thoran and Avial - descendants of disgusting vegetables - have gone green with jealousy because of this. They ought to be thankful that they get to share space with me inside Master Philip's stomach. Instead, they rant and complain about 'injustice' and 'inequality' like the rest of the low-life. What disgraceful creatures, Thoran and Avial.

You'd think that being Master Philip's favourite would make me overjoyed. Yes, I'm happy; for who doesn't want approval from Master Philip? But I'm worried too about the future. Master Philip likes to think very highly of his own (supposedly) healthy food habits and - in spite of his ahhmm...intelligence - tends to get carried away by propagandist reports claiming health benefits of vegetables. And guess who'd ensure that he gets routinely assaulted with such reports? The jerks at PETA. Don't get me wrong, animals like to be treated ethically. So if you humans decide to heat the oceans during winter, we would welcome it wholeheartedly. After all, who doesn't like a heated swimming pool?

But, pray, what has ethical treatment of animals got to do with vegetarianism? Are you treating the tiger ethically if you feed it soya-meat instead of real meat? Do the PETA people think that lions should act ethically and not kill for food? Are you treating humans ethically if you deny them fish? But most importantly, are you treating the fish ethically if you campaign for vegetarianism?

Yes, dear human, fishes like to be eaten. The path to nirvana for a fish is through a human's stomach. If a fish dies a natural death, it goes straight to hell. When God Almighty put animals on earth, he meant them to be used by humans as food, recreation or inspiration for Hollywood movies. We like to think of ourselves as a special creation because we serve all three purposes. We swim together in shoals so that we are easy to spot and to ensure that maximum numbers are caught. When we roam around the sea, apparently directionless, we are searching for fishing nets, and in the process, enlightenment and moksha.

Let me ask you, dear listener - What do these PETA guys know about fish, or any animal for that matter? Have they even bothered to ask us before protesting on our behalf? Just see this obnoxious ad (NSFW, unless your boss likes Pam Anderson and/or PETA a lot). Notice the lettuce leaf bikini? It just proves my point that leaves and other green stuff serve only one purpose - they cover up all the really nice things.

I am now a Curry and about to be eaten by Master Philip. I will attain the greatest spiritual heights that a fish can ever hope for, but what about my brothers and sisters who spend their days and nights thinking, 'Mera number kab aayega?'. As a responsible fish, I have decided to do my bit by protesting against the slander.

I have decided to reciprocate in kind by posing nude - with strategically placed leaves for added effect. The photo that follows is NSFW if your boss is a member of PETA.

(With due respect to Master Philip, his idea of posing nude himself - who does he think he is? Pam Anderson? - with me all over his you-know-what really sucked. I somehow managed to convince him that such a photo would actually defeat the purpose.)

My story ends here. But if you, dear human, felt a tinge of sadness for my species or drooled uncontrollably on seeing the photo, go ahead and do something about it.

Photo courtesy Mishmash!


Ms Cris said...

LOL! This was hilarious!
"descendants of disgusting vegetables "

By the way is this the result of a failed attempt at trying vegetarianism?

mathew said...

"Thoran and Avial - descendants of disgusting vegetables - have gone green with jealousy"

LOL!!..that was a kidilam line..
Though i used to hate them a a anything naadan is a blessing for me..

and am also suffering from Mishmash photo induced trauma.!!;-D

Philip said...

ms cris: I love veggies. I also happen to love fish and meat too.

Never tried vegetarianism (and i don't think i ever will). But you should not confuse Fish Curry's opinions with mine :)

Philip said...

mathew: Fish Curry tells me the trauma is mutual :D
Same here with the veggies...i just love any naadan stuff. which reminds me, its a long time since i had some naadan kallu. sigh.

g-man said...

holy fuck! i can't bloody stop laughing! amazing post dude!!!

oh, me a tamil brahmin btw >:) correction, a purely carnivorous tamil brahmin :D:D:D

silverine said...

'Absolut' gem of a post!! And well spoken on behalf of all the fishies!! :)) Though I doubt if the PETA types will buy your argument! :p

This made my day...and it is along day ahead today! :)

Philip said...

g-man: Thank you. And I have oodles of respect for carnivorous tambrams...they bring in wholly new insights into non-vegetarianism :)

silverine: Thank you :) The PETA types can go drown themselves in Dal Tadka ;)

flaashgordon said...

hey !!! awesome one man.. even ive been maligned, ridiculed and excluded due to my love for fish, by the "oh! we're so superior vegetarians" ! so can tell'em from now on that the path to a fish's nirvana is thru my stomach- im just a facilitator of the same !

Shrutz said...

Argh. I want some.

Anonymous said...

i liked it :)