You're the Man

Kunz is one hell of a funny guy. And the best part is that he's funny without trying to be.

Here's a sample of his gems: [Insert heavy Bengali accent for Kunz's lines]

1. [Kunz is planning to buy a motorbike, but there is one small problem: he doesn't know how to ride a bicycle (I'm surprised at how many Bongs don't know how to ride a cycle)]

Me: Kunz, how the hell do you plan to ride a bike without knowing how to ride a cycle?

Kunz: Abe shaale, I know how to ride a cycle. But I did it when I was small. I just forgot how to do it.

2. [Kunz is trying to figure out what bike to buy. For an automobile designer, he has absolutely no clue about bikes. (For that matter, he has absolutely no clue about half the things he talks about. But he gets away most of the times by speaking firmly and confidently.)]

Me: So Kunz, what bike have you decided to buy?

Kunz: I will most probably go for a Spencer or a Karizma. I'm looking for 100cc bikes only.

Me: WTF. It's 'Splendor', dude. Not Spencer. And Karizma is a 220cc bike.

Kunz: In that case, I'll buy a Pulsar 120 cc.

Of course, engineers at Bajaj would do anything for a star like Kunz, even if it means changing company policy of not targeting sub-125cc segment and designing a new DTSi engine of 120cc capacity.

3. [We are debating about where the Birlas are from. I claim they are Marwaris from Rajasthan, Kunz and Mono, proud Bongs that they are, claim that the Birlas are from Calcutta. A wikipedia search reveals that the Birlas are indeed from Rajasthan, but moved to Calcutta more than a century ago for business purposes]

Me: Whatever you say, once a Marwari, always a Marwari. Indians who have lived in Britain for 2 generations still consider themselves Indian.

Kunz: Arre nahin yaar (pronounced 'ade nahin yaad'), if you've lived in Bengal for more than 50 years, you get the CITIZENSHIP OF BENGAL (emphasis added).

Mono (barely able to contain his laughter): It takes only 5 years to get Indian citizenship, but takes 50 years to get "citizenship" of Bengal! Getting a Green Card is easier.

Of course, nothing can substitute the pure mirth that comes with being around Kunz. What I can convey through words is a miniscule fraction of the phenomenon called Kunz. His bullshitting is not limited to our circle. Even the Big Daddy (BD) of our company was subjected to it. And Kunz got away cleanly, with a pat on the back for his 'good knowledge'. We were dumbstruck, but had to admire his audacity.

BD: So can somebody explain to me about the emission norms currently in effect in different cities and what our engine emission levels are?

[Nobody moves. BD has a Hitleresque persona and the person who opens his mouth is likely to get his balls passed through a paper shredder. Most people have a sudden urge to check whether their shoes are polished or whether their pens are working fine. Kunz suddenly gets up, goes to the board, takes a marker in his hand and confidently starts his lecture]

I'll save you the details of the lecture, but the bottomline is that he didn't say a single thing that others in the room didn't know and all he wrote on the board was "Euro 1", "Euro 2" and "Euro 3", one below the other. Whatever small details BD asked, Kunz replied that he didn't know the 'exact details', but he could check and come back with the data. In fact there were others in the room who knew more about it than Kunz did. But BD thought otherwise. The silence from the others led BD to think that nobody knew anything. It was a gamble by Kunz and it paid off.

His stories don't end there. For example, do you know that he is the first person to sit on Tipu Sultan's throne after the man himself? Kunz was nearly thrown into jail for doing that, but the fact is that only he could have done something like that and got away with it. So Kunz, if you are reading this, thank you for the non-stop entertainment. This post is just let others know what they are missing. You're the man.